Closure

Its been more than 2 weeks....

As much I need to close this chapter, I find it hard.

There is no photo to remember.
There is no columbarium to rest in eternity.
There is no identity to hold on to.
There, .......is no name.

You will always be in my heart.
You will always be my eldest child.

R.I.P.

my baby

Reads

As the word spreads, more friends, colleagues and family members got news of my pregnancy.

My in-laws are just so excited, from my mother-in-law, to sisters-in-law to my 3 little nieces and nephew. My 4 year old nephew even gave me his favourite numeric booklet saying "Jiu Mu, this book is for your baby."

My mother-in-law will fuss over food. She makes sure my meals are "not cooling", adding dashes of "heatiness" here and there.

My eldest sis-in-law will be concerned about my morning sickness, offering my preserved plums, aromatherapy.

My 2nd sis-in-law is the most classic, having 3 kids and taking care of them by herself. She packed all her maternity clothes, provided a list of baby "equipments" she can pass down. Basically, she had everything from baby cot to playpen, to car seats. This really saves us a lot of money!! But also kills the enjoyment in getting the nursery ready.

Then, I also choose a stack of books from my 2nd SIL, basically on Parenting. I only took a couple on pregnancy. Pregnancy is only 9 months. Parenting is probably a lifetime. My thought is "As long as I treat myself well, be happy, eat healthy, beware of the complications, the rest lies with the doctor. There's nothing much I can do either. The doctor will take good care of me and the baby!!"

Parenting is a whole different story. It is more liquid. No fix and fast rules, depending on the baby. And how the baby is going to grow up depends largely on the parents and their parenting skills. Look at the books!!

I have just finished "Jools Oliver - The diary of an honest mum". If anyone doesn't know her, you must have known her husband..........Jamie Oliver AKA The Naked Chef!! This book offers some factual, real life experiences from conceiving all the way to parenting and of course.....recipes for the kids!! How can they leave without sumptuous and healthy food tips!!

After reading the book, I was so excited that I am secretly hoping to care for my baby full time. Well.....just a thought!! Frankly, I don't know whether to work full time, part time or just stay at home. Don't want to jump into any decision that I'm not ready yet.

Anyway, back to books. I find that it is such a tedious job for my "Ang" to read up every step of my pregnancy. Those books can be real thick!! So, there is this book that is designed like a Table Calender. Every page is 1 week and it describes the baby's development, the size, what has formed, what the mother is going through, etc. It summarises everything in 1 page and when the next week comes, just flip it over and it will tell us what happen the next week. I thought this was perfect for my "Ang". So, I place it on the dining table. And before I knew it, I realised that my "Ang" had flipped the calender himself!!

Very GOOD!!!



Anyway.....I'm so overdosed with pregnancy books now that .....I'm re-reading Sun Tzu Art of War!!

This Time

Left work early yesterday to visit my mother, since its Deepavali today.

My mother was looking out the window, as if she is in deep thoughts. Even when I called out to her, she didn't turn her head.

What was she thinking?

Moments later, she saw me.

She started making some sounds. She frowned. She moaned. She breathed heavily before a deliberate effort to swallow her saliva. She stared at me.

Somehow, her stare is telling something. She is in pain. She is suffering. She is sad.

"What is she trying to tell me?"

"What's on her mind?"

"Is she asking me to let her die?"

With all these questions and with her stare, she makes my heart heavy, she makes my heart sink. Probably its my preggie hormones working, my eyes started to well up, my tears started to flow.....uncontrollably.

Usually I managed to hold back any emotions in front of my mother. To let her know that I'm living well, that she needn't be worried for me, that she should continue to live well too. Everytime, I leave my mother's place having to wrap up my emotions, pick up the heavy heart and then move on, secretly telling myself "I'm prepared for the worse."

This time, probably its her condition worsening, probably its my hornones haywired.....I just wept uncontrollably - in front of her.

This time, probably I shocked my mother too. She stopped her moaning, her frowning .....she continued staring at me. And a while later, she turned away, looking out the window again.

This time, its just different.

Mission Accomplished

Where shall I start????



Eversince my wedding in the beginning of the year, I was frequently asked the question of "When is the baby coming?"



My replies started with "Hopefully Soon" to "Still Trying" to "Don't know".....I practically gave up. Every month was filled with the dread of seeing Red, and has to face the truth to walk up to the gynae and open up my legs, the touch of cold metal while he examines if anything was wrong.



I practically gave up. I took up a full time job. I planned for a Macau trip next year with my in-laws.



All these while.....making love became a Misson, rather than Passion.



It was all wrong.



I can plan what to do over the weekend, wash the toilets, fill up my mum's prescription, prepare my 'Ang' favourite dish, transfer funds to another bank or even plan for a holiday.....you just cannot plan for a baby. It just doesn't pop!!!



Up until 2 weeks ago.....my mission was accomplished, only after I have set the mission way at the back of my mind.



I tested positive. To make sure, I bought another test kit in another brand (just to be sure!!) and ...tested positive...... again!!!



I was shocked. The least I've expected, it came. I could not believe it and had to make a trtp to the gynae's office, this time, armed with my 'Ang'......the next thing I heard the gynae said to me was

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CONGRATULATIONS!!!






There he/she is. Everything's so surreal!!



The first person I told was my mother.....there was no reaction from her. She was in her bad days, she was feeling really bad due to the lung infection.



Next was my granny......her reply was classic...... really amazes me........

"Gao2 Lah".......... while tapping my head.

"Gao" in Hokkien literally means clever in English. Regardless that I'm a 1st class honour student or my achievements at work, to her, I'm only clever when my eggs are hatched!! She is so proud of me for that!! Then she starts her list of Dos and Don'ts. While listening to her, I realised there were clouds in my eyes. I have never see my granny so happy for a long time. Her happiness did not come with laughter. She silently kneeled down in front of her altar, placed her palms together and did a silent prayer. She must have did that a lot for me......



Few days ago, she called me on my mobile. I was quite shocked to see her number on my phone ID and thought something serious must have happened for her to call me. I quickly picked up ......all she said was

"I forget to tell you that you cannot drink Ching Chow too".

This is my Granny.

As for my 'Ang'.......he didn't show much of an excitement though, as he always is. His choice of adjectives has been revolving between "OK" and "Not Bad" ever since I knew him. To grade his subordinates an "A" for their annual performance review is almost alien. He is the typical organised, principled disciplinarian. What he did to me was very "disciplinarian"...

"cannot eat this"
"enough, no more coffee"
"cheese can eat meh"

He even drew up an Excel sheet listing the hand-me-downs from his sister and what needs to be bought. He stocked up the kitchen with milk, biscuits and fruits.

One day, he came home......buying me this.....knowing I would definitely be happy seeing it.....

I am glad that people around me are so happy for us. I am glad that I can bring happiness to the people around me with just a tiny 2-4mm growth inside me.

Happiness is all around. Love is all around. Thank you.