This Time

Left work early yesterday to visit my mother, since its Deepavali today.

My mother was looking out the window, as if she is in deep thoughts. Even when I called out to her, she didn't turn her head.

What was she thinking?

Moments later, she saw me.

She started making some sounds. She frowned. She moaned. She breathed heavily before a deliberate effort to swallow her saliva. She stared at me.

Somehow, her stare is telling something. She is in pain. She is suffering. She is sad.

"What is she trying to tell me?"

"What's on her mind?"

"Is she asking me to let her die?"

With all these questions and with her stare, she makes my heart heavy, she makes my heart sink. Probably its my preggie hormones working, my eyes started to well up, my tears started to flow.....uncontrollably.

Usually I managed to hold back any emotions in front of my mother. To let her know that I'm living well, that she needn't be worried for me, that she should continue to live well too. Everytime, I leave my mother's place having to wrap up my emotions, pick up the heavy heart and then move on, secretly telling myself "I'm prepared for the worse."

This time, probably its her condition worsening, probably its my hornones haywired.....I just wept uncontrollably - in front of her.

This time, probably I shocked my mother too. She stopped her moaning, her frowning .....she continued staring at me. And a while later, she turned away, looking out the window again.

This time, its just different.